We’ve all come across them, those people who always .leave us feeling stupid, humiliated, enraged, like we’re going crazy, like no matter what we do, we can’t win with this person. They are a nightmare to be around. Our hearts sink when we know we have to interact with them. They are masters of manipulation and of underhand tactics. 

They come with all sorts of names:- Bully, Abuser, Micromanager, Attention grabber, Credit grabber, Know it all, Criticizer, Doubter, Liar, Cheat, Wet blanket, Constant Worrier, Obsessive, Martyr, Guilt tripper.

All of us will behave in some of these ways occasionally, but it’s when this is the habitual pattern of behaviour in someone that it becomes a real problem. As with any other difficult situation, we have three options. We can either stay and just put up with it, we can stay and try to change the interaction, or we can leave. Sometimes the best option is to leave – to run as fast as you can! Compare it with a physical situation – if you were in an area where there was something toxic, you would don protective gear while you dealt with it or while you were finding a way out, or if there was no protective gear, you would just get out as fast as you could. 

How often are you exposed to these toxic people, and how long do you have to be around them? If it is hardly ever, or only for a short time, it’s easy to have a bit of a grumble and let it go. But if you work or live with them, it’s a different story. It can’t just be ignored, or your own health and happiness will suffer.

It is important to get your head around the fact that they see no reason to change, and they will not change how they interact with you if you keep behaving and responding in the same way around them.  If you want to stay and if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same result. You have to change how you deal with toxic people  - not easy, I know, but that’s what has to happen. They are the problem, but you have to find a way of dealing with it.

What can you do? 
Keep safety in mind. Is it dangerous, either to your physical wellbeing or to your job security, to confront this person with their behaviour? What support would you need to confront them – a group of colleagues? union rep? relationship counselling? mediation?
What approach would work best with this person? If other people get on well with this person, watch what they do and how they interact. Could you interact in the same way? – try it and see.

If it’s a work situation, it is important that you behave correctly, that you do not give them ammunition to fire at you. Follow any complaint process to the letter.

If you have tried everything you can think of and nothing works, then you do have to think about leaving, and how you can do this safely.
 In the job situation, try to keep you head down while you quietly look for other work. Who would you ask for a reference? – not this person, but someone else who knows your work.

If it’s a personal situation, how important is this person in your life? Are they an acquaintance, a long-time friend, a partner? Each may require a different solution. Some are easy to just cut out of your life. Others require more care and thought about how to go about it. 
How will this affect you financially?  Are children involved? Safety is paramount. Do you need protection orders, or can you just tell the person that it is over? Will they accept that? Do you need professional support to manage the situation?

Just remember, if you are in a toxic situation, (and it doesn’t really matter if that is a physical or emotional situation), the longer you stay in it, the more likely you are to be poisoned.