There is a lot written about stress and how damaging it is for us – that it causes all sorts of health problems, eg. high blood pressure, heart attacks, ulcers etc. and affects how we feel about ourselves. We spend a lot of time worrying about how much stress we are under and how to eliminate it from our lives, completely forgetting that the worrying about it doesn’t eliminate it and, in fact, adds to the problem.

The truth is, that stress is just an ordinary part of life. Everybody has stress in their lives. A moderate amount of stress is generally good for us. To eliminate it would be hugely destructive. We need to feel challenged and stretched so that we can reach and live up to our potential. This is how athletes become world class. Yet in some areas, we often try to eliminate competition, especially with our children, telling them that winning doesn’t matter.

Why would anyone work hard at anything if the results don’t matter?

Different people find different things stressful and usually they find a way to manage it reasonably well. However, stress becomes a problem when there are too many different stresses or when they go on for too long and you begin to feel overwhelmed.

The earthquakes in Christchurch are a fine example of a stress that has gone on for too long. Some people were badly traumatised by the early big ones, and keep getting re-traumatised by the aftershocks, even now, nearly 6 years after they started. Now if you add other things to the mix, like house repairs or moving house, changes in job situations, or other things that may not be related to the earthquakes like illness, death of family members, car accident, bullying etc, people who are already stressed are more likely to feel overwhelmed. Relationship breakdowns, particularly ones that are messy and take a long time to resolve can also feel overwhelming.

One of the factors that makes these situations so stressful is that they are situations we don’t want to be in, and which we feel helpless to change or influence in any way, as in the earthquakes. While we may not be able to change the situation, we need to think about how to react to it in a more constructive way. We shouldn’t minimise things, but don’t have to catastrophize or make things bigger than they are either. We don’t have to be immobilised. We couldn’t stop the earthquakes, but we could think about how to stay safe and how to have as good a life as possible while the earthquakes continued.

In any stressful situation, the first thing we need to do is recognise that we are stressed. Then we need to ask “What is the risk? Is it physical, emotional, or psychological?”,  and “How do I look after myself while I am in this situation?” Depending on the situation, the answers may be quite different.

It is important to set realistic limits. When you are overloaded, you can’t be as efficient as usual. Expecting too much of yourself sets you up for more overload and failure. Most of us could run to catch a bus, but we can’t run all day. Most of us don’t mind doing extra in a crisis, but we can’t do that all the time. Learn to say, ”No”.  Learn to say, “I can’t manage that”, or, “I don’t have the time to do that”. Take some time out for yourself where you just do nothing – walk to the end of the pier and watch the waves rolling in, go sit in a church, walk in the gardens. You have to keep some time for yourself, to sit quietly without interruption, and when you have that, and are refreshed, then you can tackle the other things more effectively.  Get some exercise, particularly exercise that has some hitting or kicking action, eg soccer, squash, box-fit, throwing a ball for the dog  - it helps relieve stress, and releases endorphins into your system which will make you feel better.

What are the important things in your life – family, friends/socialising, work/career, study, sport, religion? Whatever they are, make sure that they each have some space and time. Give them the priority they deserve.

It’s all about getting the balance back in your life.