How many people remember first discovering that they or their partner were expecting a child? I’ll bet that whether you felt ready or not for this, that you expected to be a good parent and that you would find it a relatively simple thing to do, or even that it would be easy – I know I did!

The truth is that parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and one that we go into with little or no training. I grew up as the oldest daughter in a large family and was well practised at changing nappies, bathing babies, cooking meals etc, so I expected it to be a breeze and that I would be totally fulfilled.

And then the reality was there. I suddenly became scared that I wouldn’t know what to do – how would I know what was wrong if baby cried? I forgot what a good night’s sleep was, getting up three or four times a night to feed and change the baby. There was no time off – baby came everywhere I went, and often had inconvenient demands to be fed, changed, or played with. I didn’t know that people could be so tired and still survive. Of course there were many moments of joy and pleasure, but my family was far away and I often felt alone.

And then there are the different challenges as the child becomes older, more active and independent, and develops a mind of their own. Figuring out what rules are appropriate for each stage of development is sometimes hard – when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. Without support networks of your own it can sometimes seem overwhelming.

We have this fairy tale image of mothers always being loving, understanding and there, and of fathers always keeping us safe and protected. Yet the reality can be very different. Nobody sets out to be a bad parent, but mothers and fathers are real people. They get tired and cranky, and sometimes they don’t like their children very much. They have worries of their own that children don’t understand and don’t need to know. If their own experience of being parented was harsh, then that makes it more difficult to be the good parents they want to be.

This makes it all the more important to reach out for support. If you have whanau or family who are supportive, then use them when you need to. Friends may be willing to have your child for an hour or so, so that you can have some time to yourself. You and your partner still need to have “couple time”.

Parenting can trigger all sorts of emotions – overwhelming love and tenderness right through to despair and/or furious rage. We all feel fine about the positive ones, but the ones that are seen as negative are more difficult to deal with. The feelings themselves are neither good nor bad – it’s how you express and deal with them that matters. This is where parenting classes can be helpful in providing new strategies and ways of dealing with these difficult situations. It may also be important to see a psychotherapist or counsellor if you are really struggling with being a parent. Remember the saying that it takes a village to bring up a child – all parents need that extra support.