We grow up believing that when we are no longer children, that we will meet the person of our dreams and live together happily ever after, as if that just happens by magic. Well, that’s just a myth, a fairy tale. Nobody ever tells us that relationships need to be looked after and worked at, just as our cars, our houses, and our gardens need to be tended and fixed occasionally if we want them to function at their best.

All relationships work best if they are two way streets – if there is some recognisable benefit in it for both parties, and if both parties work equally at making it mutually beneficial. This is true of all relationships whether they are between sexual partners, friends, colleagues, siblings, parents and children, teachers and students, employers and employees, or any other kind of relationship. While both may contribute differently to the relationship, both need to feel valued and respected by, and important to, the other.

This is relatively easy at the beginning of any relationship, particularly sexual relationships – “the honeymoon stage”, where we see everything through rose tinted glasses, and everything is exciting. After a while, we begin to notice small faults. Sometimes these are talked about and resolved, sometimes they are ignored with the hope that the other person will recognise the fault and change their behaviour. The trouble is that people are not born with a crystal ball in their pocket, and unless we tell them what is on our mind, they cannot know.

The other thing is that people have busy lives. Work takes up a large chunk of our time, and often when we get home we are tired, but meals and domestic tasks still have to be attended to. Sometimes we don’t feel like being loving or understanding. Sometimes we are just plain grumpy. It is very easy at those times to focus on the bills that need to be paid, the jobs that need to be done, or the other person’s failings. It’s all too easy to forget and stop talking about our dreams together, the hopes we have for the future, or about having fun together. Talking with, not at, each other, doing things together and just having fun together are all really important. This is the glue that will hold you together in the tough times.

And there will be tough times – that’s life. But if you can’t sort it out for yourselves, there is help out there. Psychotherapists, counsellors, and other helping professionals can be of assistance, and there are also courses and books that may be useful in generating new ways of dealing with the difficulties that life sometimes brings. Your relationship won’t get better by itself if you just ignore the problems, any more than your car will fix itself. Work at it and create some good times and good memories – it’s worth it.