I wish it was as simple as just writing a list of signs (what other people notice about the person) and symptoms (what the person themselves notice), but it’s not that easy. Depression manifests itself in different ways in different people, though, of course, there may also be many similarities. It’s also important to distinguish between ordinary unhappiness or sadness which has an easily identifiable cause, and depression.

The first thing that I am interested in is, “What are the differences that someone has noticed in themselves?” Then I will ask, “What are the differences that others have noticed or complained about in them?” It is when there are noticeable changes that we need to consider depression. Some people are by nature quieter or more introverted and this is different from depression.

Sleep. When people tell me that they have been having difficulties with their sleep, I ask about it. Is there a cause they can pinpoint or not? Is it taking a long time (hours) to get to sleep? Do they wake refreshed? Is their sleep broken? Are they waking in the early hours, and not going back to sleep until it’s almost time to get up? How often is this happening, and how long has it been going on for?

Appetite. I will then ask about eating habits. Have they changed? Is that deliberate as in dieting? Have they lost their appetite, or are they comfort eating? Both things can happen in depression. Have they become constipated? Have there been weight changes? Are their clothes looser or tighter? How long has that been going on for?

Energy. Have their levels of energy been reduced? Often people notice a feeling of “can’t be bothered”. Are they neglecting things that they usually do? Are they keeping up with usual tasks? Are they doing their usual amount of exercise?

Social energy. Have they stopped socialising? Is normal conversation hard work? Are they more withdrawn than usual? Have they lost their enjoyment in things that usually bring them pleasure? How playful do they feel? Do they want to just stay in bed with the blankets pulled over their head?

Sexuality. Have they lost interest in sex? How long has that been the case?

Mood changes. Have they or others noticed any differences in their mood, such as being more easily upset? Are they tearful and/or irritable over things that usually don’t upset them? Have they noticed increased pessimism and/or anger?

It is important to have a good look at what is happening (or not happening) in your life, and to consider if there are things that you can do or change that would make your life better. There is a strong connection between depression, and emotions that are kept bottled up until they “leak out” or “explode”.

There are three questions that are useful to consider if you are wondering about depression.

What am I so angry or upset about? Who am I so upset or angry with? What do I need to do about it?

While all of these things can indicate depression, but they may also indicate other things. It does not necessarily mean having to take antidepressants.

However, it may also be useful to talk to your GP and check that nothing else is causing these symptoms. If everything else is ok, then get some help to deal with whatever is triggering your depression.

I can’t do it anymore, but I just have to. I just want to scream.

There have been times in my life when I have found myself in this situation. It sucks!

Why do we allow ourselves to take on more than we can handle comfortably, and why, oh why, do we put up with being under-appreciated? It is often the cause of anxiety, anger and depression.

There are many reasons for taking on too much:

No-one else can do it, or at least, not as well or as quickly as meEveryone else is busy tooIf I say no,people will be disappointed in mepeople will think I can’t copepeople will criticise me

If I say yes:

People will admire mePeople will like meI will get a promotion (and that means even more work!)

Some years ago I did a civil defence course. On the first night there was a word written on the board - MUST. I wondered what it was about. Eventually it became clear. You cannot rescue or save anyone if your own well-being or safety is at risk.

The order of priority for care became

“M” for me – make sure you are ok before attempting to help anyone else.

“US” - the next priority is the people you are with at the time, be it family, workmates, friends, or other helpers

“T” – After that, you look after “them”, all the other people.

It means constantly assessing your own situation and safety and taking it into account.

Most of us want to be co-operative and to help when it is needed – where we see a need and we know we can help, then we want to do so. There are times in life when there really is no option, such as in times of crisis, illness, loss of income, accident, earthquakes that cause devastation etc. but eventually we have to pause and take stock. If we don’t stop, we will crash and burn out.

We can’t work efficiently or take care of others if we don’t look after ourselves.

It’s complicated. If overload is happening in your paid employment, yo

u don’t want to risk your job by complaining. But would your job really be at risk if you (and maybe your workmates too) spoke to your boss about needing more help, about stopping doing unpaid overtime? If it’s happening at home, your relationship may already be under strain, and you don’t want to push it further. Not talking about it though, tends to build up a pile of resentment, which might actually be worse.

What do you think would happen if you stopped doing so much for others? They probably wouldn’t like it, but actually, your needs are just as important as theirs. Sometimes their needs come first, sometimes your needs do. The world won’t collapse if you say “no” to some things, or if you say that you will need help as you can’t manage it by yourself.

Then there is under-appreciation. This is particularly true in parenting. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to be good, responsible adults who are capable of looking after themselves and others. These lessons need to happen gradually and at appropriate stages in their lives. Actually, we can insist on being appreciated, in much the same way that we teach toddlers to say “Ta” or “Thank you” or “Please”. As they get older, we have to continue these lessons to show them how to help, and how to appreciate what others do for them. If we do everything for them all the time, we are preventing them from learning necessary life skills. They need to learn how to manage money, to cook, to do their own washing, that the toilet and bathroom need to be cleaned. That’s not to say that you make them do everything, or you never give them a hand, but if they don’t learn these skills, how will they manage flatting or owning a house? Of course they will grumble, but that’s no reason to let them off the hook and do it for them. I am horrified at the number of parents who are still making their older teenagers’ beds and doing their washing. Those children will not make good flatmates or partners.

So, back to the main point. If you are overloaded, take some time for yourself, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t have to be a fortnight in the Islands. Frequent small amounts of time are needed. It could be coffee with a friend or a walk on the beach. Time, more than money is needed. Slow down and catch your breath. Take time to think and plan. Remember, we can’t work efficiently or take care of others if we don’t look after ourselves.

As I was growing up I was given a whole lot of information about what men were like, how, as a female, I was supposed to act, and what to expect in a relationship with a man. Just like anybody else, this information came from my own observations, from my family, the community I grew up in, my church, my schooling and from books I read. Some of it was accurate, but much of it was rubbish, and it took me a while to find out which was which, and to realise that individual men and women differ.

I was taught that men can’t control themselves, and so it was up to the females to moderate their own behaviour and situations to keep them in check – that’s a rubbish one.

That nice girls don’t get angry – that’s another rubbish one. The same things that anger man, anger women. We don’t like disrespect, unfairness, bullying and discrimination any more than men do. There is a lot of conditioning though, for us not to show our anger but to cry instead.

That men don’t have many emotions, and certainly don’t show them. Part of that is rubbish – men have just as many emotions as women. However, there are some subtle and not so subtle pressures for them not to show feelings, especially vulnerable ones – that they are supposed to be staunch, to have all the answers, and to be able to fix everything. Some of the things I heard said to my brothers were things like “harden up”, “don’t be a girl”, “don’t be a sooky baby”. I imagine that other guys heard much the same thing. Is it any wonder that some men grow up finding it hard to even recognise what they are feeling, let alone show it.

The fairy tales and myths haven’t helped – that one day you will grow up, meet your prince or princess, fall in love and live happily ever after. It never

tells you how to live happily ever after. And the gallant, brave, strong prince always rescues the helpless princess, reinforcing the stereotypes.

Society has failed both men and women by forcing stereotypes on us. We need to encourage our children and our friends to be fully themselves, to be true to themselves, to be expansive rather that restrictive, and to be that way ourselves - to share thoughts and show feelings – respectfully of course, not abusively. Our focus is often outside of ourselves, on what other people want and expect from us, and we completely ignore our own needs and wishes.

Sometimes – not all of the time - it is good to stop and think, ”What do I really want for myself, what do I need?” Reach for the stars

Let’s create communities where we can all safely and respectfully be strong and/or vulnerable, show sadness and/or happiness, be appropriately angry when needed, to openly show our love for each other. It’s time for us to all work together on this.

We seem to have become a much more self-centred society – “all about “me” and I don’t care who I climb over or hurt on the way”. It’s scary. We see extraordinary examples of this every day on the news – supposed leaders having 2 year old temper tantrums, speaking rudely and insultingly to anyone who disagrees with them or who doesn’t adore them, and who threaten retribution to those who criticise.

If our “leaders” can behave in this rude and bullying way, that must mean it’s ok, right?

NO, NO, NO. A most emphatic NO. All that results from these attitudes and behaviours is an escalation of disharmony, of people being scared and unhappy, depressed and anxious.

Let’s get back to a society based on values – not religious dogma, but on human values. Things like kindness, co-operation, sharing, truth, honesty, protection of the vulnerable, protection of the environment, generosity of spirit.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could magically change things overnight. Unfortunately, magic doesn’t happen like that. There is magic, but it is the magic of us all picking up our share of the responsibility for changing these attitudes and behaviours in ourselves and in our own surroundings. If these attitudes and behaviours are happening around you, then consider if you can do anything differently to change things. It’s always tempting to respond in kind but I remember my mother saying that you can catch more flies with honey that with vinegar. Of course, if the other person is unwilling to change, then you might need to consider leaving that situation. What is important to remember is that none of us has to put up with being treated as if we don’t matter. Just as Doctors recently have changed the Hippocratic oath to include their own self-care and well-being so that they can better treat their patients, we must all do this. Each one of us is just as important as the next person. It’s important to teach this to our children as well – that they must treat others as they themselves would like to be treated, and that they must expect the same in return from others.

Let’s not get overwhelmed with the size of the task though. Start small. Be kind to yourself and to your family. Thank them for the small things that make life go smoothly, for the kind things they have done, for tasks completed, for not needing to be reminded, for their smiles. Listen to their grievances and see if they can be eased. Ask them to do the same for you.

And then, when the world is scary, you and your family will have a safe haven.

Does having to have everything perfect all the time mean that there is little time to relax and enjoy things? Are you constantly tidying up, worrying about what others think, scared of making a mistake, always having to look your best?

It must be exhausting!

Do you ever reach that impossibly high goal that you set for yourself, or do you always think that you could have done better? I can remember how it felt when my parents asked what had happened to the other 2% when I got 98% in a test.

Nobody has to be perfect – we all make mistakes because we are human beings with frailties. It’s great to aim to do your best, to work hard at whatever you are doing, whether it’s paid or unpaid work or play. Sometimes we do get a perfect result, and that is cause for celebration, but expecting perfect results all the time is unrealistic, and just sets you up for failure. It’s the effort, not the result that counts.

What really matters in this life is relationships. Does it really matter that we have a perfectly tidy house (as opposed to a reasonably tidy house) if we are sitting in it feeling lonely and unwanted? A bit of mess, but with family, friends and/or pets around and feeling loved is a much happier place.

Try leaving a little bit of mess occasionally – leave it and go and have some fun. That will be a comforting and pleasurable memory down the line, and who will remember or care that you left the beds unmade for one day if instead you had plenty of laughs with those you love.

Life is too short to be constantly worrying about what others think. Have some fun instead.

Photo by Evelyn Mostrom on Unsplash

When we think of the word “courage” we often associate it with some heroic or dramatic action such as someone putting their own life at risk in order to save someone else. But sometimes it is just as heroic, and takes just as much courage, to deal with the ongoing, chronic difficulties in ordinary lives, or to do the right thing.

It’s not about being a ‘blowhard”. Sometimes courage is about stamina, perseverance and stubbornness - to just keep going when there seems so little light at the end of the tunnel, or when there seems no end to the tunnel. These situations can be to do with relationships, with poverty, with discrimination, with poor health, either your own, or that of someone close to you. Parents caring for severely disabled children are courageous heroes. Parents who go without in order to provide for their children are courageous heroes. People caring for chronically sick family members are heroes with stamina and courage. The list could go on. But these heroes get hardly a mention, let alone public recognition. No medals or Queen’s Birthday honours for them. Some people get these honours just for doing their job – doing it well maybe, but also being well paid for it.

Courage is also about doing something even when you are scared stiff - doing something that doesn’t scare you doesn’t take courage. Speaking out about wrongdoing if you are scared of possible consequences takes an enormous amount of courage. Standing up to bullies or leaving an abusive relationship takes courage. Some of the bravest and most courageous people I have known have been quiet, introverted people just going about their daily lives with no fuss or drama about the awful things they are facing. I bet you know people like this too.

Sometimes reality is harsh and it is hard to face. We want to turn away from unpleasant facts about our situation, facts about others and facts about ourselves. Owning up to, facing, and dealing with our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and the shame that these sometimes bring, takes a very brave heart. Reaching out for help takes courage, and I applaud those who do so.

So, let’s celebrate these ordinary heroes, these courageous people, and give them the recognition and acknowledgement they so richly deserve.

One of my bug-bears is hearing people use the term “mental illness”. It has such a stigma attached to it that it’s no wonder that people are reluctant to own up to feeling depressed or anxious. When someone has a cold, the ‘flu, measles or cancer, we don’t say (in hushed tones) “oh, they’ve got a physical illness” do we? So why on earth, when someone has depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder or a crippling phobia, do we say “oh they’ve got a mental illness”? It immediately stigmatises the person who is unwell and struggling in their life. Why can’t we just say “oh, they’ve got depression, or anxiety etc”? Sometimes having depression or anxiety can’t be avoided if life suddenly throws you a whole heap of crises, and to not be depressed or anxious would be highly unusual.

When we have a cold or measles, we know what we should be doing to look after ourselves – hot lemon drinks, some paracetamol, stay at home, keep warm, call the doctor if it gets worse. However, we are not generally taught what to do when we find ourselves struggling in our lives, trying, and not finding, solutions to our problems, and for some people, maybe even thinking that suicide looks like an option. Despair and hopelessness can be/are utterly overwhelming and debilitating. That’s when you really need to reach out and talk to someone who understands those feeling and can help you deal with them. I know that reaching out is hard when you are in that space, but that is what you have to do.

It’s absolutely no use telling yourself to harden up, or that you are just imagining things. You have to reach out. Other people can’t always know what you are feeling or thinking and so can’t always know to reach out to you. You have to tell them, sometimes in words of one syllable! It’s no use just hinting, and it’s no use telling someone who is no good at dealing with emotions. Choose the person who is to be your “listening ear’ well. It is important that you can speak freely without fear of judgement or of being told to pull yourself together.

A well-trained professional will understand those feelings of despair, those suicidal thoughts, and the other feelings that may be underneath that, like shame, guilt, grief, rage, loneliness and many others, and will be able to respond, not only at a professional level, but also at the human level so that you feel really heard and understood. There is help out there.

Everywhere we look, we can see some form of these two common conditions. Most adults, (and some children too) in today’s world have experienced some level of depression and/or anxiety. We are exposed to huge levels of bad news in the media. While that has always been the case with the media, it’s a long time since it has just been newspapers and the radio. The media itself has grown enormously to include TV, with its multitude of news channels and documentaries about disasters, as well as other forms of electronic media.

I don’t think it necessarily means that more bad things are happening in the world, but that we are constantly being exposed to them in the form of print and video clips.

It is a struggle for many families to survive on one income, and house prices have moved out of the reach of many people. Jobs are less secure, and the pressure is on everyone to become better qualified to try and secure the jobs. Is it any wonder that people worry, feel powerless and get low in mood?

However, even people who don’t have these particular worries can be anxious and depressed. People who seem to be successful, at the top of their game, who don’t seem to have the ordinary money worries that most of us think of, even they can be struggling, eg, the big number of professional sportspeople we have heard on the news lately. I really admire their bravery in being so public. They too can struggle with low mood, worries about relationships, health and injury issues etc. I know there have been times in my own life when I have thought to myself, Oh sh.. , what do I do now? How the hell do I sort this out? How long will this go on for?

There is hope, and there is help out there. One of the things that gives me hope for our society, is that at long last we are starting to talk openly about anxiety and depression, and to recognise how common they are. We need to stop thinking about these conditions in terms of mental illness. In some situations, it would be abnormal not to feel anxious and/or depressed.

Let’s get rid of the stigma and start thinking of it as a normal response to difficult situations.

There is no getting around it – sometimes life is just hard. What we have to consider though, is what do we need to have, or to do, in order to make our lives more bearable right now, and what do we need to do in order to ensure that we keep heading in the right direction?

Mostly, I think people need to have someone they can openly talk to and know that they will be listened to carefully, that the person will try to understand how they feel without making any judgements. Sometimes that could be a partner or a friend, but sometimes we need to talk to someone completely outside of the situation, and who is trained and experienced with these things.

Sometimes medication can help, but medication by itself doesn’t solve the issues that are causing the distress. It is a normal part of the human condition to want to be respected, valued and understood, and when we don’t get those things, we suffer. That’s when depression and anxiety can creep up on us and catch us unawares. That’s when a good therapist is worth their weight in gold!

There have been many times in my life when money has been very tight and managing ordinary living expenses has been difficult, let alone think about “luxuries” like an ice-cream or new shoes! I learned some useful things about self-care on a budget.

Have a pamper time – long, soaky bath with some home-made bath salts – Mr Google knows the recipe. Wax or shave legs (and other places). Paint your nails – don’t forget toes. Body lotion all over.

Then, either curl up with a good book and some music, or get dressed up and meet a friend for coffee – doesn’t have to be at a posh cafe.

Go to the beach and walk along searching for shells and pebbles or just sit and watch the waves.

If you want to cut down your heating bills, spend more time at the library reading – it’s always warm there.

Arrange a regular time for walking with a friend.

Do something out of the ordinary eg. In winter (because the sun rises later), get up while it is still dark, make some hot food, (porridge is great) or a hot drink, and take it with you to the beach or hills to watch the sun rise – kids love this too. Or take some old bread and go and feed the ducks. These sorts of things help you to get centred and grounded again rather than feeling scattered and disorganised.

The most important thing I learned though, was to always have two good things to look forward to. It doesn’t matter if they are big or small things, as long as you have two of them. Once you have done one of them, immediately organise another second thing. Then there is always something positive to look forward to.

If your life has become a bit messy and you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions or all the things you have to do, try this – de-clutter.

Get rid of all those things you thought might be useful one day but have never used or needed.

Sort things into piles – what to keep, what you are not sure about, and what can definitely go.

Do one thing at a time, starting with a small thing, and keep going with it until it is finished. Then that is one thing you can tick off your list, and you can start on the next small thing.

If you have to tackle something bigger, see if you can break it down into smaller more manageable chunks, and then do one chunk at a time. (Cleaning out my garage seemed a bit overwhelming until I decided to just do along one wall. That one wall looked so much better that it gave me the energy to start on another wall.)

Good tasks to start with are:-

Sorting out your wardrobe – what you haven’t worn for 5 years can probably go.Sorting out your sewing box, tool box or the children’s toys.Sorting out bills and other paperwork – what needs to be dealt with now, and what can wait.Tidying your pantry and/or your recipes.Tidying up one cupboard, room or part of the garden

Somehow, cleaning, tidying and sorting out your things, seems to help sort the clutter in your mind as well.

Remember – it doesn’t all have to be done today. Just one thing at a time until it is finished.

Here we are again at that time when we look back at the last year and forward to the next. We think back to all that has happened and at the impact on us, whether that be good or bad. We think about what we would like to be different in our lives, and what things we can change, for and in ourselves, for the coming year. All of us want our futures to be good, for us to be happy and successful, and/or to make decisions that are the right ones for us and the ones we love. Sometimes we find ourselves between a rock and a hard place and no matter what we do, there will be some tears.

Many people make resolutions to give up smoking, to lose weight, to exercise more – I’ve made those resolutions too in the past, and while they are worthy goals, do they address the deeper meaning of our lives? What is really important to us? We have basic physical needs of course, like food, shelter and warmth, but do we really need to be aiming for the luxury level of these as a daily expectation? Often, success is measured by how much/many of these things we have, (not that I’m advocating a life totally without any of these things), but maybe success is something different. Maybe we could be really radical and start measuring our success by whether we have been a good person, a good partner, a good parent, a good employer/employee, a good friend. Do your grown-up children like you? – that is success as a parent!

Maybe, instead of making resolutions, this is a good time to evaluate our lives and to look at what is the meaning and purpose of our lives. Is the world going to be a better place for us having been here? Do we need to move away from some things and towards others? Sometimes tough decisions have to be made, but can we make them in the least disruptive way?

I have no ready answers to any of these questions, but I think they are important questions to keep on considering, not only at this time, but right throughout the year, right throughout our lives.

We’ve all come across them, those people who always .leave us feeling stupid, humiliated, enraged, like we’re going crazy, like no matter what we do, we can’t win with this person. They are a nightmare to be around. Our hearts sink when we know we have to interact with them. They are masters of manipulation and of underhand tactics.

They come with all sorts of names:- Bully, Abuser, Micromanager, Attention grabber, Credit grabber, Know it all, Criticizer, Doubter, Liar, Cheat, Wet blanket, Constant Worrier, Obsessive, Martyr, Guilt tripper.

All of us will behave in some of these ways occasionally, but it’s when this is the habitual pattern of behaviour in someone that it becomes a real problem. As with any other difficult situation, we have three options. We can either stay and just put up with it, we can stay and try to change the interaction, or we can leave. Sometimes the best option is to leave – to run as fast as you can! Compare it with a physical situation – if you were in an area where there was something toxic, you would don protective gear while you dealt with it or while you were finding a way out, or if there was no protective gear, you would just get out as fast as you could.

How often are you exposed to these toxic people, and how long do you have to be around them? If it is hardly ever, or only for a short time, it’s easy to have a bit of a grumble and let it go. But if you work or live with them, it’s a different story. It can’t just be ignored, or your own health and happiness will suffer.

It is important to get your head around the fact that they see no reason to change, and they will not change how they interact with you if you keep behaving and responding in the same way around them. If you want to stay and if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same result. You have to change how you deal with toxic people - not easy, I know, but that’s what has to happen. They are the problem, but you have to find a way of dealing with it.

What can you do? Keep safety in mind. Is it dangerous, either to your physical wellbeing or to your job security, to confront this person with their behaviour? What support would you need to confront them – a group of colleagues? union rep? relationship counselling? mediation? What approach would work best with this person? If other people get on well with this person, watch what they do and how they interact. Could you interact in the same way? – try it and see.

If it’s a work situation, it is important that you behave correctly, that you do not give them ammunition to fire at you. Follow any complaint process to the letter.

If you have tried everything you can think of and nothing works, then you do have to think about leaving, and how you can do this safely. In the job situation, try to keep you head down while you quietly look for other work. Who would you ask for a reference? – not this person, but someone else who knows your work.

If it’s a personal situation, how important is this person in your life? Are they an acquaintance, a long-time friend, a partner? Each may require a different solution. Some are easy to just cut out of your life. Others require more care and thought about how to go about it. How will this affect you financially? Are children involved? Safety is paramount. Do you need protection orders, or can you just tell the person that it is over? Will they accept that? Do you need professional support to manage the situation?

Just remember, if you are in a toxic situation, (and it doesn’t really matter if that is a physical or emotional situation), the longer you stay in it, the more likely you are to be poisoned.

What does being successful mean? For many people it is about what visible assets and toys they have – the flash house, whether it has a swimming pool or games room, the new car, the boat, the ski trips, the holidays overseas. Then there are the less visible but still materialistic things, the shares, how many directorships or other status positions they hold.

However, all of these things can disappear overnight. All it needs is for a natural catastrophe or the financial market to crash and then what happens to success?

I see success as being more personal and measurable in terms of how strong your personal relationships are with family, friends and colleagues.

Do people like you? Do they want to hang out with you because they like your company? Liking is different from loving, but just as important. It is good relationships that contribute hugely to our happiness and contentment.

We also need to know how to look after ourselves as well as looking after others. Self-care is really important. We are no good to anyone else or to ourselves if we are collapsing with exhaustion or getting ill all the time. We don’t have to be a fitness freak or fanatical about our diet, but we do need to have enough exercise and a reasonably healthy diet, as well as enough sleep.

We need to leave a space in our lives for doing things that bring us pleasure and satisfaction. They can be solitary activities or something you do with others. They could be sporting activities, crafts or any number of other things. Different things appeal to different people.

To be successful we need to have a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives, to be able to pursue activities that support that sense of purpose and meaning. Random acts of kindness that produce a smile are just as important as getting more public recognition for bigger actions. Results that we can see, encourage us to keep the sense of purpose and meaning alive.

Resilience and courage– they go together, and we can’t find success if we don’t have these. Life isn’t a smooth road. There are few, if any, people who have never had some crisis or other. Courage is not about not being scared. Courage is about sizing up the situation, assessing the risks and then taking action even when we are scared silly. If you are not scared, then it takes no courage to face something. Resilience is about being able to dig deep and come back again to deal with whatever has happened – to keep on going when it’s really tough - to not get bogged down by the problems or the times we have failed to find a solution, but to keep the focus on finding the right solution.

Finally, success depends on finishing what is started. Successful people don’t have a garage (or sewing room or any other place!) full of unfinished projects. Cluttered workspaces reflect a cluttered mind. Thinking clearly helps success to come your way.

In recent years I have noticed an increasing number of people seeking help for anxiety, and this seems to be, not only in Christchurch where it might be expected to some extent, but also a national phenomenom. Why is this? What is happening that we are becoming a nation of persistent worriers.

One reason might well be that every day, in the papers and on TV, we are confronted with graphic descriptions and pictures of disasters, wars, terrorist attacks, death and mayhem on the roads. We are constantly being warned by politicians that unless we agree to more and more restrictive and controlling policies, we are at risk from terrorists, hackers, predators, fraudsters etc.

Of course, bad things do happen in the world and we do need to be responsible about our own safety and the safety of our families/whanau. However, good things happen too, but they don’t get nearly as much publicity as the disasters.

When the earthquakes were happening daily (and more frequently) in Christchurch, I stopped watching the news after a while because much of it was repetitive, and just watching it reinforced the trauma I had experienced. We have to limit our exposure to this kind of secondary trauma.

Our past experiences have an effect on how we deal with present day situations. This is normal. Understanding that, means that we are less likely to get into self-blaming. For example, if you have been bitten by a dog when you were a child, then you are likely to be nervous around any dog in the future. If your parents were worriers, then you probably picked that up.

The present situation that you are worried about has to be faced. If you are filled with worries about a number of situations, then check out those worries. Dealing with the truth, even if it is painful, is always better than not knowing but worrying anyway.

Some things cannot be changed, but others can be. We have the responsibility for deciding which is which, and what we are going to do about it. While we couldn’t stop the earthquakes, we could take steps to make sure that in the event of one, that we were as well prepared as we could be to ensure our safety. Taking action and having a plan always helps.

Some people are more prone to be worriers than others, However, there are things you can do to help yourself. Do you have a lot of time for brooding about your worries, and do you need to have some other interests that can occupy your mind? Or are you so busy that you do not have time to yourself and are always in a rush and behind in what you think you have to do? Think about what you find soothing – massage?meditation? walking in the bush? watching the waves roll in at the beach? a good workout? Whatever works for you, do it! When self-help measures aren’t enough, then you need to see a psychotherapist or counsellor to get professional support to deal with your worries.

There is a lot written about stress and how damaging it is for us – that it causes all sorts of health problems, eg. high blood pressure, heart attacks, ulcers etc. and affects how we feel about ourselves. We spend a lot of time worrying about how much stress we are under and how to eliminate it from our lives, completely forgetting that the worrying about it doesn’t eliminate it and, in fact, adds to the problem.

The truth is, that stress is just an ordinary part of life. Everybody has stress in their lives. A moderate amount of stress is generally good for us. To eliminate it would be hugely destructive. We need to feel challenged and stretched so that we can reach and live up to our potential. This is how athletes become world class. Yet in some areas, we often try to eliminate competition, especially with our children, telling them that winning doesn’t matter.

Why would anyone work hard at anything if the results don’t matter?

Different people find different things stressful and usually they find a way to manage it reasonably well. However, stress becomes a problem when there are too many different stresses or when they go on for too long and you begin to feel overwhelmed.

The earthquakes in Christchurch are a fine example of a stress that has gone on for too long. Some people were badly traumatised by the early big ones, and keep getting re-traumatised by the aftershocks, even now, nearly 6 years after they started. Now if you add other things to the mix, like house repairs or moving house, changes in job situations, or other things that may not be related to the earthquakes like illness, death of family members, car accident, bullying etc, people who are already stressed are more likely to feel overwhelmed. Relationship breakdowns, particularly ones that are messy and take a long time to resolve can also feel overwhelming.

One of the factors that makes these situations so stressful is that they are situations we don’t want to be in, and which we feel helpless to change or influence in any way, as in the earthquakes. While we may not be able to change the situation, we need to think about how to react to it in a more constructive way. We shouldn’t minimise things, but don’t have to catastrophize or make things bigger than they are either. We don’t have to be immobilised. We couldn’t stop the earthquakes, but we could think about how to stay safe and how to have as good a life as possible while the earthquakes continued.

In any stressful situation, the first thing we need to do is recognise that we are stressed. Then we need to ask “What is the risk? Is it physical, emotional, or psychological?”, and “How do I look after myself while I am in this situation?” Depending on the situation, the answers may be quite different.

It is important to set realistic limits. When you are overloaded, you can’t be as efficient as usual. Expecting too much of yourself sets you up for more overload and failure. Most of us could run to catch a bus, but we can’t run all day. Most of us don’t mind doing extra in a crisis, but we can’t do that all the time. Learn to say, ”No”. Learn to say, “I can’t manage that”, or, “I don’t have the time to do that”. Take some time out for yourself where you just do nothing – walk to the end of the pier and watch the waves rolling in, go sit in a church, walk in the gardens. You have to keep some time for yourself, to sit quietly without interruption, and when you have that, and are refreshed, then you can tackle the other things more effectively. Get some exercise, particularly exercise that has some hitting or kicking action, eg soccer, squash, box-fit, throwing a ball for the dog - it helps relieve stress, and releases endorphins into your system which will make you feel better.

What are the important things in your life – family, friends/socialising, work/career, study, sport, religion? Whatever they are, make sure that they each have some space and time. Give them the priority they deserve.

It’s all about getting the balance back in your life.

How many people remember first discovering that they or their partner were expecting a child? I’ll bet that whether you felt ready or not for this, that you expected to be a good parent and that you would find it a relatively simple thing to do, or even that it would be easy – I know I did!

The truth is that parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and one that we go into with little or no training. I grew up as the oldest daughter in a large family and was well practised at changing nappies, bathing babies, cooking meals etc, so I expected it to be a breeze and that I would be totally fulfilled.

And then the reality was there. I suddenly became scared that I wouldn’t know what to do – how would I know what was wrong if baby cried? I forgot what a good night’s sleep was, getting up three or four times a night to feed and change the baby. There was no time off – baby came everywhere I went, and often had inconvenient demands to be fed, changed, or played with. I didn’t know that people could be so tired and still survive. Of course there were many moments of joy and pleasure, but my family was far away and I often felt alone.

And then there are the different challenges as the child becomes older, more active and independent, and develops a mind of their own. Figuring out what rules are appropriate for each stage of development is sometimes hard – when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. Without support networks of your own it can sometimes seem overwhelming.

We have this fairy tale image of mothers always being loving, understanding and there, and of fathers always keeping us safe and protected. Yet the reality can be very different. Nobody sets out to be a bad parent, but mothers and fathers are real people. They get tired and cranky, and sometimes they don’t like their children very much. They have worries of their own that children don’t understand and don’t need to know. If their own experience of being parented was harsh, then that makes it more difficult to be the good parents they want to be.

This makes it all the more important to reach out for support. If you have whanau or family who are supportive, then use them when you need to. Friends may be willing to have your child for an hour or so, so that you can have some time to yourself. You and your partner still need to have “couple time”.

Parenting can trigger all sorts of emotions – overwhelming love and tenderness right through to despair and/or furious rage. We all feel fine about the positive ones, but the ones that are seen as negative are more difficult to deal with. The feelings themselves are neither good nor bad – it’s how you express and deal with them that matters. This is where parenting classes can be helpful in providing new strategies and ways of dealing with these difficult situations. It may also be important to see a psychotherapist or counsellor if you are really struggling with being a parent. Remember the saying that it takes a village to bring up a child – all parents need that extra support.

So, you recognise that what is happening to you is bullying. Now, what can you do about it?

The first and most important thing to do, is to gather together the history of what has happened and to document it as fully as you can, with dates, times, who did it, who it was done to, and who else was a witness to it. Everything needs to be listed, even the stuff that seems really petty. Dozens of small pinpricks can create a large sore. The accumulation of small insults has a huge impact on self-esteem and work performance. Once you have written this out, then you add to it as things happen. This is the basis for any further action you take. Just writing all this out will have an impact on you. You have taken some action and are no longer stuck and helpless. You can start to see that it is the behaviour of the other person that is the problem, that it is not all you.

What then to do with this written information? You may decide just to leave once you have seen it all written out, but does it need to be taken somewhere? There are a few options, but first find out if your workplace has a complaints procedure, and/or a workplace policy about bullying. If it does, make sure you follow the procedure to the letter – there is no point in giving the bully any further ammunition. Then you can decide whether to take it to your union, to your HR department, to the labour department or to an employment lawyer. (There are some who will only charge a fee if they win the case.)

Making an official complaint against someone is a big step to take and can be very stressful, so if you are going to do this, you need to make sure you have support systems in place, such as family, workmates friends etc. as well as your union rep or lawyer. You may also need to see someone like me, or your GP for more professional help to deal with the emotions that these situations trigger.

An important thing to remember is that work is what we do to earn a living – it is not our whole life. Of course it is a bonus and blessing if we enjoy our work, but work life needs to be balanced with our home life, friends and interests. Whatever action you decide to take about bullying in your workplace, remember to also take time out for pleasure with family and friends. That will help support you through any tough times.

Are you feeling bullied at work? Well, if you are feeling like that, maybe you are being bullied. Bullying doesn’t just happen in the playground at school. It happens everywhere.

Bullying is behaviour towards you that leaves you feeling intimidated, scared, distressed undermined and inadequate. You may be singled out for constant criticism and never get any praise or thanks, or it may be everyone in the workplace gets treated like this. It can be blatant or subtle – not only things like criticizing, shouting, swearing and insults, but can be things like not speaking to you, body language, facial expressions and tones of voice that leave you feeling small and humiliated.

Micro-managing and nit-picking often happen under the guise of helping you do your work better, but actually, being constantly under surveillance and criticized interferes with concentration, so that you are more likely to make mistakes, and this gives ammunition to the bully. If you complain, you are told you are making mountains out of molehills or you are ungrateful for the help they are giving you. If you don’t laugh at their jokes and put-downs of you, you are told you have no sense of humour. Nothing you do is ever good enough, and you end up feeling furious, but helpless, powerless and trapped. You can’t just walk out because you have financial commitments and anyway, you don’t now have the confidence to apply for another job.

Inevitably, this sort of situation leads to loss of confidence and self-esteem, and spills out into all areas of our lives – we take this baggage around with us everywhere. Our relationships with partners, children, friends and colleagues all suffer, and our self-esteem falls further. We may become quite depressed. (See previous blog on depression.) This is when it may be helpful to see someone like me to help you find a way of dealing with the situation.

First you have to recognise that this behaviour is bullying, and then to recognise that nobody, not even you, has to put up with being treated like this.

There are rules and regulations about bullying in the workplace, and you can do something about it. It is no longer acceptable to treat employees badly. You may well have fantasies about what you would love to do about the situation, but there are processes and protocols about addressing bullying, and it is important that you follow these to the letter- there is no point in giving the bully any more ammunition.

In my next blog, I will talk further about what steps to take if you find yourself being bullied at work.

Mistakes happen. We all make them. Everyone, regardless of race, creed, gender, age, education, wealth, or any other factor you can think of, makes them. In every relationship, both parties make some mistakes from time to time. Some mistakes are big, some are small. Some can be fixed, some can’t. Most, even huge ones, can be forgiven eventually. It’s what happens after the mistake is made that is the deciding factor.

The person who has made the mistake has to deal with different feelings and has different tasks from the person who has been on the receiving end of the mistake. This is important to remember, as often this is the time when communication is most difficult, and frequently both parties feel that the other has not heard them properly, and so the gulf widens.

The person who has made the mistake has to deal with feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, loss and fear. Their sense of self is often diminished.

The other has to deal with feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger,,vulnerability, and often feel shamed and diminished as well.

Communication, while these feelings are being so powerfully experienced, is very difficult.

The person who has made the mistake has certain tasks to complete.

Firstly, the mistake must be acknowledged and responsibility for making it must be claimed. It is important to do this without making excuses, or shifting the responsibility on to other people. Saying “it was my fault” or “I did it” acknowledges responsibility for the action, while saying “It was because I was drunk” or “it was because you....” slides away from accepting full responsibility for your own actions.

Secondly, an apology, or showing regret or remorse must be expressed. While you may have to do this many times for a big mistake, it does not mean going on an endless journey of self hatred or self denigration. Rather, it means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, and showing that you can imagine what it must have been like to be on the receiving end of the mistake you made.

Thirdly, some reparation must be made. Depending on the situation and the gravity of the mistake, this might be done in a number of ways. If trust has been badly damaged, remember that trust is “a slow growing plant”, and will take some time to re-establish. This isn’t necessarily a punishment being dished out, but is a consequence of a big mistake. A cup of tea or breakfast in bed just won’t be enough in some situations. You have to show, over a period of time, that you are trustworthy

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Lastly, steps have to be taken to ensure that this mistake will more than likely not happen again in the future. This might mean doing some sort of course, eg anger management, an assertiveness course, communication for couples , or some other such course. It might mean doing relationship counselling if you want to save your relationship. It most definitely mean improving your communication so that you “get back into sync” with each other.

The tasks of the person who has been on the receiving end of the mistake are quite different.

Firstly, because your ability to trust has been damaged, it is essential, whether or not you want to repair the relationship, that you work on repairing your ability to trust. This is something quite different from the other person’s trustworthiness, and is your major task. You may need help with this from a professional. You will certainly need time.

Secondly, it is important that you express your feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal etc, and that you learn how to do so in a way that doesn’t put all the responsibility for the situation on the other person. This will be hard for you. It is very difficult to look at what you contributed to the situation when you are feeling so wounded by the other. Their mistake is much more obvious perhaps than anything you may have done or neglected to do.

Thirdly, just as for the person who has made the mistake that triggered this situation. You also have to take steps to ensure that this situation is unlikely to arise again. Are there mistakes that you need to acknowledge? What safeguards can you both put in place? Remember the importance of fun as well as complaints, of sharing dreams as well as the workload.

Whatever you both decide to do, remember that relationships don’t just happen. It’s like owning a car or having a house or garden to manage. You can get away with doing no maintenance for a while, but if you leave it for too long, things start to go wrong. If you leave it for much longer, you have a disaster on your hands. It is the same with relationships. They need daily maintenance from both parties to remain happy and satisfying for everyone in them.

We grow up believing that when we are no longer children, that we will meet the person of our dreams and live together happily ever after, as if that just happens by magic. Well, that’s just a myth, a fairy tale. Nobody ever tells us that relationships need to be looked after and worked at, just as our cars, our houses, and our gardens need to be tended and fixed occasionally if we want them to function at their best.

All relationships work best if they are two way streets – if there is some recognisable benefit in it for both parties, and if both parties work equally at making it mutually beneficial. This is true of all relationships whether they are between sexual partners, friends, colleagues, siblings, parents and children, teachers and students, employers and employees, or any other kind of relationship. While both may contribute differently to the relationship, both need to feel valued and respected by, and important to, the other.

This is relatively easy at the beginning of any relationship, particularly sexual relationships – “the honeymoon stage”, where we see everything through rose tinted glasses, and everything is exciting. After a while, we begin to notice small faults. Sometimes these are talked about and resolved, sometimes they are ignored with the hope that the other person will recognise the fault and change their behaviour. The trouble is that people are not born with a crystal ball in their pocket, and unless we tell them what is on our mind, they cannot know.

The other thing is that people have busy lives. Work takes up a large chunk of our time, and often when we get home we are tired, but meals and domestic tasks still have to be attended to. Sometimes we don’t feel like being loving or understanding. Sometimes we are just plain grumpy. It is very easy at those times to focus on the bills that need to be paid, the jobs that need to be done, or the other person’s failings. It’s all too easy to forget and stop talking about our dreams together, the hopes we have for the future, or about having fun together. Talking with, not at, each other, doing things together and just having fun together are all really important. This is the glue that will hold you together in the tough times.

And there will be tough times – that’s life. But if you can’t sort it out for yourselves, there is help out there. Psychotherapists, counsellors, and other helping professionals can be of assistance, and there are also courses and books that may be useful in generating new ways of dealing with the difficulties that life sometimes brings. Your relationship won’t get better by itself if you just ignore the problems, any more than your car will fix itself. Work at it and create some good times and good memories – it’s worth it.

Earthquakes – we’ve had a few - and now we have had another big aftershock after quite a long time of not feeling any. Is it any wonder that trauma reactions have been re-triggered and that people are feeling rattled?

It is really important to remember that our reactions, whatever they may be, are normal. We are dealing with an abnormal situation so of course our reactions are going to be different. We are not being “neurotic”, or “soft” or “weak”. We are responding to an ongoing, scary, and unpredictable situation. It would be very strange if we weren’t a bit anxious about that.

It’s important to remember, especially when we are responsible for the welfare of others, that our own needs are important too. If we crash, then the whole ship goes down. We have to keep a healthy and balanced life for our own sake and for the sake of others. Remember what the cabin crew tell us – to put our own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

Many of us still have real problems to deal with right now – some are still grieving for lost family or friends, some have lost jobs or their work place and/or conditions have changed. There are financial constraints, houses have been damaged or destroyed, repairs are taking forever. Dealing with EQC and insurance companies is time-consuming and stressful. Even those who don’t have such major issues, still have to deal with damaged streets, having to find new places to shop, and just finding their way around this changed city.

Some common stress reactions

Sleep disturbance and nightmaresFatigue and exhaustionOn edge, anxious, tenseEasily startled, looking out for dangerEmotional, tearful, irritable, feeling numb or cut off from othersPhysical symptom like racing heart, trembling, loss of appetite, tummy upsetsInability to concentrate, poor memory, making mistakesFeeling a lack of controlConstantly thinking about what happened and worrying about what might have happenedIncreased conflict in relationshipsIncreased alcohol consumption

Reactions can be triggered by aftershocks or by things that remind us of the event, like a train or truck rumbling past. Most, but not all, people will have found that these responses lessened as the aftershocks became less frequent and less intense, but that their responses have intensified again since the latest large aftershock.

As a species, humans are hardwired to respond to threats with the freeze, fight or flight reaction. We get an automatic shot of adrenaline so that our muscles are pumped up for action. The trouble is that we can’t fight or run from an earthquake, but we still have this adrenaline in our systems to deal with. As a result, a lot of us have been going round looking as if we are “hot-wired”.

Fortunately, we are also hardwired to be resilient and to recover from trauma.

Children

Some children, those 5 years and under, have known no other Christchurch except the one we have now. They were born into a damaged city with stressed and anxious parents. Very little has been stable for many of them. Other children have been badly frightened and have had their own losses. They have had to change schools or school hours, friends have moved away, their houses were (and some still are) broken. Is it any wonder that many of them are now experiencing learning difficulties and behaviour problems? They need to be comforted and reassured. They need you to be calm.

Include them in making a plan for how to respond to an emergency. Where are all your emergency supplies in the house? Where are safe places? Let them know how you will contact them if you are apart when something happens.

If they are not already back to their own beds, try to get that to happen soon.Allow night lights.Can they take the family pet to bed with them?Can they have friends to stay overnight?Return to normal routines.Reassure, reassure, reassure

However, while acknowledging the difficulties, what we need to focus on, is “how are we going to make our lives happy and satisfying while we deal with this ongoing stress?”

It is really important to allow ourselves time to work through the experiences we had and to make sense of what happened. There are many different ways of doing this, and we will all have particular ways that suit us. These may include:-

Talking to family, friends, colleagues, neighbours or a psychotherapist or counsellorGetting back into regular routinesGetting back into a good sleep patternEating healthilyReduce caffeine and alcoholPacing yourself and taking time to relax.Exercise – it gives an outlet for stress and releases endorphins into your system which will help you feel betterFun – this is really important – a good belly laugh will do wonders for your wellbeing

Sheila Larsen

Registered Psychotherapist, counsellor

RPN, Dip Adult Psychotherapy, Cert. Advanced clinical Practice

It is an aid to living and not a substitute for life.

All of us have crises in our lives, some brief, some ongoing, some small and some absolutely devastating. Some we manage by ourselves, but with others, we need to seek help in one way or another. Sometimes talking it over with a family member or friend is sufficient to sort out the situation. Sometimes we need more help than they can offer, and we might seek out an elder, a kaumatua or a priest, or a trained professional such as a psychotherapist.

Psychotherapy is a way of confidentially exploring your situation, experiences, memories and feelings on a regular basis with someone who has had years of training and has a deep understanding of human nature. It is a useful way of getting help and guidance with difficult life events and situations and finding ways that are right for you to manage these crises. It is about getting you back in control of your own life.

Sometimes people worry that psychotherapy means that someone is going to tell them how to live their life, maybe to take actions or say things that they disagree with, or that they will be judged if they don’t comply. That is not psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is meant to enhance your sense of autonomy and to encourage your own personal growth. That doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges, but challenges are not orders or instructions that must be obeyed.

One of the joys I find in my work is seeing people picking up the threads and taking charge of their lives again, knowing that they have the resources to meet life’s challenges, and that if they need support, that they know how and where to get that.

Sheila Larsen

This is a word that terrifies many people. They seem to think that it automatically means that they are “mentally ill”, that they must have medication, that people will think that they are a suicide risk, that if their boss finds out, then they will lose their job. That’s enough to terrify anyone.

However, I don’t see it like that at all. Depression manifests itself in many different ways and is on a continuum, from feeling mildly down in the dumps for a day or so, right through to really feeling suicidal over a long period of time, and so, ways of dealing with it are also on a continuum, from ordinary self help measures right down to hospitalisation if it is needed. Ignoring it does not make it go away. If you get in and deal with it in the early stages, it is much easier to recover, and you stay in control of your own life.

Being sad is different from being depressed. We generally know why we are sad, but don’t always understand why we are depressed. Depression shows itself in many ways – poor sleep patterns, changes in appetite, being grumpy and irritable, low energy and motivation, having no sense of optimism for the future, easily upset and tearful. It is not necessary to have all these symptoms to be depressed.

There are many factors that contribute towards someone being depressed. In my experience, it is mostly about how we have learned to respond to adverse life situations and events. People who bottle things up, who don’t express their disappointments or dissatisfactions in a way that changes the situation are more prone to depression. There is some evidence that some people have a genetic predisposition to depression if there is a family history of it. This is no different from having a family history of heart problems, or being sporty , or being good at maths. If that is your family history, then learn (early!) how to manage it well so that you still have a good life.

Self help measures – there are lots of them. What is it that is making you unhappy? Is there anything you can do to change that situation? Sometimes there isn’t. In that case, how can you make the other areas of your like as satisfying as possible? However, taking action, any action, will generally make you feel better. Sometimes, making an appointment to talk to someone will make you feel better even before you go to the appointment! Exercise helps. It relieves the stress and also releases endorphins into your system which will help raise your mood level. Exercise that gets you hot and puffing is great. Exercise that has some sort of aggressive component is also very good – it doesn’t have to be a martial art, (although they are wonderful,) but even a bucket of golf balls down the driving range, or a game of tennis or squash can relieve the stress and mood.

Medication needs to be prescribed by a doctor. However, it is not a magic solution and should not be used to help you put up with an intolerable situation. It will help raise your mood level so that it becomes easier for you to address the problem areas in your life. Antidepressants usually take a week or so to begin to take effect and are usually taken for somewhere between 6 and 18 months (while you address your problems). You need to be feeling back on top of things for at least a month before talking to your doctor about coming off them.Most importantly, remember – a diagnosis of depression is not a life sentence.